best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
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Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Went to cancel a streaming service that was $10.99 a month and they were like “Lol ok you got us how about $2.99?”
Going to spend tomorrow cancelthreatening every service in my life.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Telling everyone I’m an undecided voter bc I need the attention
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Eat…
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did