all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
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How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
they finally got him. they got macavity
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
Good advice.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
#FunnyLife Insects
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.