Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
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[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Happy Taco Tuesday
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.