Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket

me: oh no

my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time

me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands

Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind

Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?

my google home just took a command from the movie I was watching and said “got it, now playing ‘I’m the one’ by DJ Khaled featuring Justin Bieber” and when I said STOP it stopped playing the movie I was watching. Everything is insane

I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”

“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”

*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*

URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.

‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?

A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.

It was a tragic accident.

Gone too soon.

ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.

People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.

Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes

Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you

Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…

“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”

The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.

I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive

Customer spelling her name:

Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.

And this, kids, is why education is key.

[at the club]

*crawling around on the floor*

HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?

What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.

My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?

i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.

Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD

Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”

Me: “When can I start?”

jesus christ confetti not now

Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*

Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch

“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter

Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant

i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do

pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed

You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.

I don’t know which is worse, people stealing your tweets or people not stealing your tweets.