Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
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shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
If you’re in the gym filming yourself and getting mad at people getting in your shot, I’m gonna twerk in the background at whatever piece of equipment you’re on.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
This is my pinned tweet
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
*exercises sarcastically*
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.