Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
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Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
It’s not a question of when will my daughter say mommy, it’s a question of when won’t she
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
I like crazy people until they notice me
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
