Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
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everyone should be able to film one family Thanksgiving they can show to people to explain why they’re the way they are
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
It feels like the right time to invest in the guillotine industry.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.