Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
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Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
the skeleton manning the ship inside of my brain is trying to push my brain out of my head and replace it with a rock. i might let him
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
My beach vacation Google searches
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.