Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
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To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
why did we replace harmless white lies with therapy talk? i don’t need an essay about how you’re setting boundaries so you can’t make it tonight, just say your stomach hurts
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
White parent Vs Arab parents
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
A completely valid reaction tbh
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Twitter fine art
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
in 3 months
