Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
You Might Also Like
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
idk much about capitalism but taylor swift should create a line of nebulizers for her asthmatic fans called inhaler swift.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
you can’t prove that threatening a toilet doesn’t work
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*