Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
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If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit