Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Tears for Fears: Everybody wants to rule the world.
Me: Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high