Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#DidYouKnow?

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣

[going to bed]

Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.

[5 AM the next morning]

Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.

[doctor looking at my xrays]

doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of

me: what

doctor: skeletons

[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*

*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?

The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression

if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.

“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”

(silence)

(silence)

*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”

how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840

[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*

a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.

I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.

A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.

It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.

I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.

6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.

Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*

wiping my hands on my pants before i shaking someone’s hand so they spend the rest of the day wondering what i just touched

Ores being fire proof makes me think maybe the Oreo doomsday vault is real after all.

BOSS: Show the new guy around.

(Hours Later)

NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.

ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?

For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.

My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta

i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻‍♀️

9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.

[alien parasite invasion]

ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host

My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”

Me: Why are you holding a fork?
Coworker: My toast is caught in the toaster.
Me: STOP!

*turns my chair to get a better view

Me: Carry on.

A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.

They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.

I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.

boss: you know what’s weird

me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?

boss: how the flin— yes exactly

Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.