Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

thanks auntie mary

Me: So you want to see other people?

Him: I’m just getting glasses!

All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.

To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.

i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now

I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English

I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡

Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin

dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*

aaaaaaand scene

I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.

They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.

me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*

dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash

Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame

As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.

Satan: What’s that?

God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.

Satan: I see. *invents screaming*

God: lol good one!

The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers

[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}

I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.

I really had high hopes for this year though

*hears your text message notification beep*

*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*

China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.

Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s

mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*

I love it all

Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes

Leaving hotel: just don’t kill anybody but if you do take the body please. But it’s ok if you don’t

Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.

Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded

Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY