Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
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TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
You know when you’re starving, and your buddy starts looking like a succulent roasted chicken? Everyone has experienced this. Well It would be cool if when you were really full, a roast chicken started to look like a little 5 lb man
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Guy behind me at the traffic lights, beeping your horn and giving me the wanker sign isn’t going to make me type this tweet any faster.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
My weirdo cat only drinks from a glass on the kitchen bench. I was chatting to a visiting friend in the kitchen and noticed the cat glass was empty so I filled it. 5 minutes later it was empty again. My friend had just drunk two delicious glasses of cat water. I didn’t tell him.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Dude last night asked me “do you walk like that on purpose?” and I’ll think about it forever
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
The Wizard of Oz is basically a
movie about two women willing kill each other over a pair of shoes.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed