Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
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Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Dookie Cough is how folks were dying on the Oregon trail.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Yeah, but is it ILLEGAL illegal?
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.