Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
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[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
your elf on the shelf was delicious
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
I’ve traveled all around America and one of the craziest things to me is just how many places it’s perfectly normal for adult men to pretend to be cowboys
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
October already? What’s next? November????
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?