Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
God help the parent* who tries to put a new food on their child’s plate.
*my husband
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Those are NOT normal gifts
-my 6yo listening to the 12 Days of Christmas
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.
What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brother’s in case you lose it.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
When I die, I want my remains to be scattered at COSTCO. Also, I don’t want to be cremated
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
Have you tried being born with a trust fund about it?
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
