Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse

HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉

ME: *eats a fistful of bees*

we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology

“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”

17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute

Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.

Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me

I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?

‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.

request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty

I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.

Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.

Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.

If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.

Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.

Husband: Where are you going?

Me: I have to run a quick errand.

Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?

Me: Maybe.

Husband: Let me grab my wallet.

Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.

[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood

Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.

23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?

Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.

Doctor said I need to eat more salad.

We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us

If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life

ME: I’ll take it

AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here

ME: perfect

Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.

Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car

I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.

push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit

boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.