Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

evil queen: would you like an apple?

me [is snow white]: nah not really

evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!

me: meh, even so

Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.

P.S. Bring a spider.

I just tested negative for patience.

Who remembers when Pixar had blooper reels in movies 🤣

If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.

[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.

therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now

me: ok rank us

4: What does antique mean?

Me: It means old-

4: Oh…like you?

Murderer: [stabs me]

Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]

Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers

Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered

Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament

I was trying to catch a cricket in the house this morning and was yelling at it, “I know this is scary, but stop struggling I’m trying to help you!” Probably the same thing the universe is always yelling at me.

Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless

“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”

haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?

due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”

Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.

IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.

There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.

Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.

[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

Um, the Stork.

[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.

When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.

9-year-old: No one can read my diary.

Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.

9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.

Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.

It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.

i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years

*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO

Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩

Coworker: …

Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?

none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks

*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*

*glues old gears and cogs to chair*

*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*