bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
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If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
Nobody remembers you winning the 4th grade award for ‘Best Penmanship’, but everyone remembers the one time you called the teacher “mum”.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
Asked my coworker what’s wrong & he said “I’m tired of faking that I like you guys” & honestly? Mood.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
Black Friday “markdowns” like
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
#ParentingFacts
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
I can’t prove he’s involved (yet), but my 3yo has been obsessing over tow trucks for weeks and today we blew a tire 🧐 on nothing 🧐 for no reason 🧐
Has there ever been a more American story?
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?