bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
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Accidentally saying Yes I would like a receipt and having to wait half an hour while the kiln is heated and the tablet is fired
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.