Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]

“I know you’re not really an armadillo”

5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.

Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!

Me: Choose how you want to die.

What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?

a pool table.

*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive

Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.

He’s been in and out of rehab for 15 years, has had multiple run-ins with the law, eats human flesh and never sleeps. Women: I’ll fix him.

I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.

[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??

Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps

Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no

Asked my coworker what’s wrong & he said “I’m tired of faking that I like you guys” & honestly? Mood.

Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.

Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down

sneaking out of costco with extra samples like

no one:

absolutely no one:

my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it

I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.

Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.

Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone

I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion

Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.

Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?

Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.

Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️‍🔥

What

Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?

God: just turn around

Almost every animal: ok

Owl: I absolutely will not

I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…

I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.

I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…

How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?

When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.

Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?

Saw two dads share a dad joke out in the wild.
At a grocery store, two guys exchanging a cart. The guy taking the cart said “did ya put some gas in it?” And the other guy patted the cart and said “yep, filled ‘er up for ya” and they had a good little chuckle together

Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!

Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!

Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.

Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?