Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
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My roommate is looking for a summer subletter and a dad responded on his nineteen year old son’s behalf.
He described his son as “very mature”.
Sir, if you are figuring out your adult son’s roommate situation for him, he is not “very mature”.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
In honor of A REAL PAIN hitting theaters, one of my favorite Jesse Eisenberg anecdotes
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
I enjoy excess
*notices my doctor is listening*
but only in moderation
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Good morning
