Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker

Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness

Me: lying on my resume probably

I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.

Waiter: And what would you like sir?

Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.

Entire restaurant: *gasps*

I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.

My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size

I pride myself on being able to take a joke. That’s how I ended up with so many jokes.

Wife: Did you hear what I said?

Me: No, I was in a different room.

Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?

Me: …

Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.

*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*

Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.

Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.

*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business

getting groceries

I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.

i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ

Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?

Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday

[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”

wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.

[boxing gym]

*points at everything*

I’d hit that.

If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.

Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.

[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO

restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then

Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?

Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?

J.W: Why yes..

[slams the door]

If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.

My in-laws visited today.

FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.

My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?

I love my son.

This meal prepping shit is easy

The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers