bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
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Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
just woke up in a cold sweat screaming “WHY DIDN’T HAWK TUAH GIRL CALL IT SPITCOIN”
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.