Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
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Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it