betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
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On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
who’s gonna tell her?
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
There are two types of people… those who steal food off your plate and those who you keep in your life
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot