betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
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bad
worse
worst
worchester
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
No Black Friday for me, if I wanna see people fighting over electronics I’ll just give my daughter and her cousins an iPad
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
my uncle was kicked out of the army for eating too many spider webs
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Only a mother’s love …
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.