betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
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I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
My favorite part of any relationship is the very beginning, before the other person realizes what a mess you are and what a huge mistake they are making
Beware of the “party goblin”…
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
me: omg goth bath bombs
santa: that’s charcoal
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????