Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
You Might Also Like
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
My phone is so dry I haven’t even gotten a text from a politician
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
What’s a more polite term to call a druggie?
His Highness
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.