Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”

His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’

KID911: wats ur emergency

SON: sister is staring at me

KID911: did you tell her to stop

SON: yes! she isnt even blinking

KID911: omg ok take a deep breath

KID911: now scream for mom

[job interview]

“Tell me a strength.”

I’m a decision maker.

“Excellent. How about a weakness?”

I’m a bad decision maker.

SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?

DAD: Wouldn’t be fair

SON: Why not?

DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy

“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”

FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*

The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?

billionaire: we’re all in this together

everyone: you lost money too?

billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer

lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.

Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍

Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.

5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.

(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?

Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.

I ate it.

Then looked for more.

[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9

How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?

Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard

Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”

It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this

My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.

Well-played, kid. Well-played.

Me: You should have been more specific

Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel

Me: ok that does make more sense

Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.

Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.

just remembered my uber driver who messaged me that he had to stop for something and showed up 12 minutes late with chocolate on his face

Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.

Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub

[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute

me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this

I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.

No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.