Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
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I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
if I was a nepo baby I’d never use my parents’ status to get a job, I’d live off their money and never work
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
My dad told us with complete confidence and authority that cake batter was dangerous to kids but not adults and we watched him lick the beaters for *years* before questioning how exactly that worked.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?