Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
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Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
My child just used the auto fill info on the iPad TO BOOK HIS OWN VACATION. Now I get to make phone calls explaining that we need to cancel these reservations because the gentleman who made them is in fact nine
Jfc
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
I found a guy today on Reddit that goes into the loss prevention subreddit and brags about how he is always stealing cheesecakes from Costco. He’s the cheesecake joker. He even tells them how he’s doing it
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.