Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔

Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.

the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village

*Job Interview

Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”

(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)

Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*

Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.

I wish all tests were things you peed on

[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell

Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in here

Me: *pausing microwave
What?

A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.

The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.

Licked a frog once.

He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.

What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?

– inventor of the roller coaster

My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.

I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.

I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her

Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait

No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.

curly fries are my favorite as they’re salty and spiraling, like me.

I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean

if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it

😂

My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.

People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.

my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”

you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it

I remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. He shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”

The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room

standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home

*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*

Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?