BETRAYAL
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“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don’t even know where I am right now.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
My dogs are always 100% by my side, unless my kids are eating food in their rooms, which they are not to do. So, whenever I am sans dogs, I yell, “Get the food outta your room!”
Just heard my 10 y/o say to his Fortnite buds, “Omg you guys, I think my mom’s a witch!”
Success😎
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”