BETRAYAL
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do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk