Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade

“Are the cops gone?”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks buddy, I owe you one.”

8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner

11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag

I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!

Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.

Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”

There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.

Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.

Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?

Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?

My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.

Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]

The 3 types of Christmas movies:

1. Movies about Santa.

2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.

3. Die Hard

[house party]

ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?

HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?

ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?

My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.

We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners

I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.

Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?

Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…

1. I don’t have a swimming pool.

2. I don’t have a girlfriend.

Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.

Destined to be a firefighter from birth.

You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.

I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ

Duck typos.

My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.

Her: We had our friend for dinner.

Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.

Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.

Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet

Tip for twitter newbies:

Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.

I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER

Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.

I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.

Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.