Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
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If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
The two most popular things to do on the internet are argue about politics and looking at naked people
Million dollar website idea: combine both — naked people arguing about politics
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
She puts the hot in psychotic
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
feeling melancholy. think I’ll have a drink and make things much worse
I’m in an aspiring artist Facebook group, and everyone shares paintings they’ve done of their kids but not usually the reference photos. Which is great, but I can’t tell if the kid’s just ugly or if the painter needs more practice.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
What a chick magnet..
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.