Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
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In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
now is it just me or does this dress look like she’s making pasta from scratch.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.