Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
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Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
my mother is staying with me for about a week, and i’m going to be honest, i didn’t even know the volume on my television went that high
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
With the year coming to a close, please remember to send all apologies and confessions of love to my email before January. I will be refreshing my inbox every 30 minutes. Thank you.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
It turns out when someone asks who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to choose from your own. I know that now.