Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
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Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
*trying to remember something*
brain: put your hands on hips
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
I was telling my daughter that she doesn’t need to take everyone’s opinion into account and said “like if (person) told me I am a bad mom, I wouldn’t really care because—“
My 6 year old: IF SOMEONE CALLED YOU THAT I WOULD HIT THEM IN THE FACE
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
a space alien in another galaxy opens a mysterious letter from the earth. as soon as he opens it a bunch of glitter falls out onto the floor. he slowly looks over at his friend, “okay, i’ve had enough of this. get into your spaceship & go destroy that planet.”
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
this is the most humiliating day of my life
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
2020: Everyone needs to count their steps every day!
2025: How walking is actually killing you.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.