Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…

[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary

I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing

funny guys are dangerous they make you laugh and laugh then boom they hit you with a shovel and throw you in a ditch

Hate when the person sitting next to me on the subway notices me shamelessly reading their texts and starts tilting it out of my view like c’mon lemme have a lil read it’s just me c’mon who am I gonna tell it’s only me

✨☝️✨

I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.

Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling

There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few

Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy

wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap

Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.

I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.

[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]

Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?

Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.

*Strong man rips a phone book in half

Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?

I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.

Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.

I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.

Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.

forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.

*6 holding a 5 hour energy*

“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”

Go ahead, have kids.

nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting

When the ‘calling about your car crash in the last five years’ scammers phone I try and keep them on the line as long as possible. One time, bored on my commute, I set a record of 26 mins 22 seconds. My life’s work will be to try and beat that.

Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time

I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.

*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*

My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?

Me: My book was translated for the UK.

Wife: They speak English.

Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.