Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
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You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
umm…
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
ACED my prostate exam!
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
