Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019

so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota

There’s a lot of coyotes in my neighborhood. I’m so afraid that one of these days I’ll end up walking right into a tunnel painted on a brick wall.

Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…

By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?

Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.

Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.

If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.

Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.

So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?

Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.

remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you

ㅤ

Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.

The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.

I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.

read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of

I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.

*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]

Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined

My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery

My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*

Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.

Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…

I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.

Permission to use your hammer, your honor

It’s a gavel

Permission to use your gavel

Denied

*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*

[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]

“Who are you eating?”

6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?

Taxidermist: He will not

If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.

Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”

the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish

If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.