Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
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I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
starting a new competition called Bad Olympics where you’re not allowed to compete if you have any sort of natural advantage that makes you good at a sport
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
I have a type: disappointing
“What?”
– Jude
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.