BETRAYAL
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100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.