“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
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Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
My dog learned how to text
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad