Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
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Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
My 7yo told me that her friend Michael said the S-word. When I asked which Michael she replied with, “not Michael Jordan.” Ah, okay, it must be the Michael from school.
in college, i was on a first date with a guy and like 10 minutes into the convo he asks me if i would change my major to education so as to homeschool our future children. i was like wtf no way and now 15 years later he just looked at my linkedin profile.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
No, I wish my water bottle had MORE parts to disassemble and wash. Seven is not enough!