Better luck next time champ
You Might Also Like
How are they running out of oxygen if they’re breathing it right back into the submarine
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
🥴😂
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
Catering service
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
TRAIN’S HERE
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
british sex workers really pound for pound