Better luck next time champ
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Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
Told the assistant at the eye doctor’s I thought my eyes got worse, but they haven’t. My glasses were dirty.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Thanks to modern recycling technology you can now throw away the same Pottery Barn catalog 2000 times.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.