Better luck next time champ
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mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
Is Dutch some sort of clown language
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Gas station lines at 2 am:
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
become ungovernable
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*