Better luck next time champ
You Might Also Like
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
thank god
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
look, a three-day weekend once a month is all i ask. the rest can be four-day weekends
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.