Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.

I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.

I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed

I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.

No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.

Thanks to my fear of the Duolingo owl, I’ve been practicing my French for 300 days!

GUY: how’s it going?

ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron

If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services

I don’t know who needs to hear this but, your fingers will never get sticky if you eat your chicken wings while you’re taking a bubble bath

urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there

You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.

There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die

Why don’t bikes stand up on their own?

Because they’re two tired

Most people call Fall soup weather or sweater weather, but I prefer to call it electric bill goes down weather.

Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”

While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.

KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.

“He be dead.”

Who? Your English teacher?

Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.

My children, who were born two years apart, recently informed me they are actually twins, that they know this on a soul-level, and that what happened was my youngest got tangled in a tube inside me somewhere and just sort of… hung out for two years on accident

[costume party]
friend: you’re late

me, dressed as a sloth: sorry

Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*

[repeat ad infinitum]

Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?

GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”

GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”

me: will I ever have sex again?

doctor: not with that haircut

fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha

Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up

Her: *throws up*

Him: *throws up in her hair*

Don’t judge a book by its cover, nor an establishment by its name. If I’m looking for a decent pizza, I go to Planet Fitness. If I’m looking for a fight, I go to Waffle House.

Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.

[Lab]

MONSTER: What is my name?

“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”

MONSTER: But that is your name

“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”

Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..