Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.

People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes

Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate

My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them

[bursts into garage]

“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”

i’m trying to kill myself

“but you drive an electric car”

Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.

Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?

Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.

Me: And?

Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.

“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever

*updates tinder bio*

doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another

What does a cannibal eat for a snack?

Finger food.

Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.

Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!

Him: …

Me: …

Him: …

Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-

Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside

My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.

Cashier: Have a great day

[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}

Me: I have bad news

Air pods looking like an angry frog

E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen

*Re-arranges the dishwasher.

I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.

It’s called an oughtobiography.

Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?

I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid

A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.

Life with a cat in one tweet

You gotta know when to tweet em

Know when to delete em

Know when to follow someone

Know when to run

I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.

I punched my monitor

Now my hand Hz.

“Daddy, what happens when we die?”

“You get married and have kids”

2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets

I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.

Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry

I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids