Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.

The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.

Me attempting to flirt: So do you like doing things?

*watching movie with demon killer clown*

Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom

*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*

Sara?

*Gets down on one knee*

*audible gasp*

“Yes?”

Help my knee is made of magnets

why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway

Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118

CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless

Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right

*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*

Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.

My life is a joke.

how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll

So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”

First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?

When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.

Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back

so I asked him to move.

Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.

Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.

Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack

8-year-old: Are you going to Meet the Teacher Night?

Me: Do you want me to meet your teacher?

8: No.

Now I’m definitely going.

A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.

Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?

It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles

[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really

I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.

me: my fish is very dry

waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water

me: smart

ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?

GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy

ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that

Taco Bell: try this new thing

Me: what is it

TB: does it matter

Me: no I’ll take 3

Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:

•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.

I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.

A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.