Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
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If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Day 1: [Stranded on an island] Is this where it ends for me?
Day 2: Ok, I need to get to know this place
Day 3: I’ve spotted what appears to be monkeys.
Day 4: Omg I’ve just seen a person
Day 5: Ok, this is a zoo.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Mine in this week’s New Yorker
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.