“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
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My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
Don’t make me out nice you.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
Me at my 225th rodeo:
“What the hell is going on?”
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
I snorted all the lines i was supposed to read between
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
**shaking a magic 8-ball**
Me: Will my vision ever get better?
Coconut:
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.