“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
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My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Hey I worked for it too!
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything