“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
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I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Why are the produce aisles empty but the booze aisles fully stocked? I guess I’m in luck!
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
TRAIN’S HERE
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Me handing out gift bags at my Halloween party: don’t worry – it’s already dead
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this