“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
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Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn’t actually mine.
She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.