Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix

[Battleship: Guilt Edition]

Friend: B6

Me: You sunk my Battleship

Friend: Hah yes!

Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children

The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..

Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too

My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.

vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.

*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.

I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”

Boss: You’re late!

M: It’s 6.30am

B: You start at 6am!

M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.

And now we wait for HR.

Me: I hate drama.

Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.

Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out

I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.

Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.

Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.

I asked him how much they were.

He said “It’s five pound a strip”

I said “Do I get to choose the music?”

Just looked at me then walked off 🤣

Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.

if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance

I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.

Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!

Eating microwaved leftovers.

My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*

She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick

A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?

People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding

I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.

A penguin’s resolutions:

-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet

There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.

I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.

5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’

I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women

In 1978 my grandad tried to get a petition going to change the name of orcas to ‘seabras’ so the government made it illegal for him to ever talk about animals again.