Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball

life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe

Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis

If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.

Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like

Hooters is shutting down a lot of locations, which is very shocking, but even more surprising that an owl themed restaurant lasted that long.

Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice

Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”

I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB

I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol

I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching

Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.

it sucks that brainwashing is a bad thing because generally speaking the idea of washing my brain sounds so nice

I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.

There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.

Except for a broken foot.

Then you should see a doctor.

This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.

Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots

Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look

*cops finds my loose floorboard*

Cop: What’s under here…

*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*

Me: I’d like my lawyer now.

Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.

Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.

Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?

Me: *winks*

-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.

Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*

Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.

I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.

My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.

noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”

My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷

Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.

so you’re telling me that geneology is not the study of genies?