“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
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People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
No, your message in a bottle does not find me well, it finds me drowning
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.