Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.

Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?

PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.

She wanted me to impress her in the bedroom so I showed her my organised sock drawer and my fresh matching bedding

I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.

It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.

*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn

Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”

I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.

[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse

Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?

You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.

Son: Daddy, when does this end?

Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death

Son: I mean when does this party end?

Me: 7.30

When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.

when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table

waiter: you wanna box for your leftovers?

me: i gotta fight you for them?

I’m too Shreksy for my shirt

Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”

Genie:

i usually decompose after work rather than decompress

mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day

Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes

Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale

Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.

ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet

Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices

STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves

*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*

Try and spy on me now!

*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*

SON OF A

Everyone buries their problems in different ways.

I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.

Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.

Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent

I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.