“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
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Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
Girl on the train complimented me and said I was funny, responded with “thanks, it’s all I have” and the rest of the train gave me a worried look
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube