“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
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Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
When I’m forced to visit people I don’t like I find a way to sneak their peanut butter into their fridge
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.