“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
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God: [inventing a tiger] ok so this is gonna be a cat who eats frosty cereal
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
It be like that sometimes 😆
Thanks to my fear of the Duolingo owl, I’ve been practicing my French for 300 days!
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Our generation has its flaws but I know I can message any friend with a random thought/meme at 6am and it won’t disturb them because their phone has been set to silent since 2006
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those