Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.

Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…

That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…

Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.

Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.

New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.

I saw a shooting star tonight and thought if the other stars had guns this would never have happened.

My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…

My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.

Think I pulled my liver

I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead

Rambo Rambow

sales in 2004: buy 1 get 1 free

sales in 2024:

(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?

“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”

When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next

I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”

Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.

[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*

Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What

Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.

guy in this cafe has been trying to chat to two young girls and when he asked where they were from and what they were doing in liverpool they dramatically revealed that they’re doing mormon missionary work and are now trying to convert him. never seen a power move like it

Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.

I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.

I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.

There are 2 kinds of people in this world:

1. People who aren’t good with numbers

[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]

I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records

[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money

In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics