Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
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Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
I’ve had 3 bagels in 5 days as long as I don’t eat another bagel for four more days
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
I’ve been to Australia. That was their best dancer.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
A food delivery system that only delivers food containing potatoes.
Tuber Eats.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Me: This job seems really dangerous!
Him: The last three didn’t think so God rest their souls
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.