Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
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My bro was laid off from his job as an art director for one of the largest high end retail stores in the nation. I mean, totally sucks for him, but with the job is the loss of his 33% discount. I’m sure you can understand that this is a very difficult time of mourning for me.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.