“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
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Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
I hope Usain is training his daughter. Can’t let a name like Olympia Lightning Bolt go to waste, sorry
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Props to just stopping in the middle of the grocery aisle. Personally never tried it, but it seems big.