Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
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Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
MSNBC: Racist gets what he deserves!
FOX: What’s next, thought crimes?
CNN: If you stare at your hand for a long time it will look weird
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
When I was 16, I thought I could slam and lock my bedroom door in the house my parents paid for. So they took my door. That’s 80s parenting.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?