“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
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The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
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