Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*

We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.

I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument

I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.

Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.

Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*

Maybe my washing machine keeps telling me it has one more minute left in the cycle because it’s connected to the wifi and doesn’t want to stop scrolling TikTok.

Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.

[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.

Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer

“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate

[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe

[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together

[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this

[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it

[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”

In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.

There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.

Idiot.

me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies

him: no spoilers

me: i assure you there are a ton

ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.

PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.

i am not “quiet quitting” i am suffering from third-degree burnout

I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.

Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”

diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan

I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital

Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to

Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter

I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.

(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.

This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan

Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate

[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift

As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence

Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”