Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
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It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
my 92 year old grandmother during my birthday lunch: you know who I think is very handsome? that murderer boy
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Doctor: I’m diagnosing you with onomatopoeia
Me: what’s that???
Doctor: exactly what it sounds like
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Them crunching noisily: These cookies you made are huge!
Me: those are chocolate chip pancakes
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake