Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
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*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.